The 'slag of all snacks' hasn't cleaned up its act with this new flavour
On the side of Pot Noodle's new doner kebab flavour it says, in small print, "If it's in perfect condition, happy days. If not, have a moan at the customer care department." What if it is in perfect condition? Can I still have a moan? Because of all the things this great new dawn in British snack culture tastes of – salt, sugar, something dying at the back of a supermarket spice mix shelf – doner kebab really isn't one of them.

This isn't entirely surprising because no lambs have been involved in its production. Indeed, looking at the ingredients list, I am convinced it's actually vegan, which tells you just about everything you need to know.

There was a moment, a taste echo, that reminded me of belching half an hour after having eaten the real thing – stop grimacing, for god's sake; this is a doner kebab flavoured Pot Noodle we're talking about. What did you expect? Proust? – but it was soon gone. Instead all that was left was that sickly-savoury, chemically-enhanced indeterminate flavour that all of them have.

And yes, I do know this because I have eaten pot noodles in the past. Hell, a restaurant critic is really only a greedy man with an expense account, and six pints to the bad I have done many things of which I'm not proud. Including eating doner kebabs. And pot noodles. And that may be where I fell down. Because to truly experience its exquisite joys I needed to be bladdered and carefree. Instead I was sober and ashamed.

Not that there is anything I could say which the manufacturers have not already said themselves. After all this is a product which once described itself as 'the slag of all snacks'. Let's just say that, with the new lamb-free doner flavour, they haven't exactly cleaned up their act.

The Guardian 24/3/09